Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
With our heart in a fierce beat ,
We'll dance together on the empty street.
With your shallow breathing against my head,
We'll sway along to words unsaid.
When you look in my eye,
I know, it's time to say goodbye,

But will you grant me one last wish?
To Hold me in your arms,
And Sing me a sweet lullaby,
To let me drown in your melodic voice for one last time,
And Let me dream of a place where you are mine.

To let the tune wash away my pain,
For I want to relive that moment once again,
When you and I first met each other
And to prove to myself, that there can be no another,
Who could ever take your place.
And our moments spent together, 
I'd do anything to retrace.
I am deeply sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me but I needed to post something. It's been so long that I posted something. I suck. :facepalm:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
honestly speaking, this work did feel... personal... the first stanza and last stanza in particular were well written to be honest with you.

I think you should give yourself more credit. You're a really good writer. This work's a bit on the emotional side, no doubt, but it isn't bad writing at all. Its honest, its very sincere - its certainly put a lot of effort in establishing a sense of... two people lost in each other's company... something heartfelt in that moment honestly, which makes it all the more worthwhile to read.

I mention all this, because I - no matter how bitter or cynical I come out - tend to be a romantic at heart and so I like works which are by nature romantic.

Well written honestly. Keep writing :)
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad you liked it! :) 

we're all hopelessly romantic, just that our definition of 'romance' varies. To each their own. :)

thank you! :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I truly did :la:

Romance huh... You won't mind me if I shared a note with you about what I believe is romantic, would you? (and in essence, we just talk about it in general)

Anytime :)
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Alright! :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:) I sent you the note. you're not under any obligation to respond - if you do so, however, I'd be genuinely grateful. I mean it.
Reply
:icondarkwolf65:
darkwolf65 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you this poem has helped in many ways thank you for this poem
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't know how, but I'm really glad it did. :hug: ^^;
Reply
:iconisahrishs:
isahrishs Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Student General Artist
i read it again and im going to rephrase my comment. it BEAUTIFULLY written!! :D
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha! Aww! Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconisahrishs:
isahrishs Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Student General Artist
You're most welcome :heart:
Reply
:iconisahrishs:
isahrishs Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Student General Artist
nicely written :)
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconisahrishs:
isahrishs Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Student General Artist
You're welcome :)
Reply
:icondomosushiluver:
DomoSushiLuver Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012
that is really amazing it's really beautiful i love it
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:icondomosushiluver:
DomoSushiLuver Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012
no prob
Reply
:iconusagi-himeko:
Usagi-Himeko Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is lovely, it deserves to be a song :)
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww! Thank you so much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconusagi-himeko:
Usagi-Himeko Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :) :hug:
Reply
:iconsilvergabetha834:
silvergabetha834 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Professional General Artist
This is so sweet. I can see the two, sad lovers curled about each other to say good-bye. I've had days like this. Beautifully expressed.
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww! Thank you so much! :hug:
Reply
:iconalcsismty:
ALCsisMTY Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012
Beautiful... it's great.
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much! (:
Reply
:iconholdthenoise:
HoldTheNoise Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very soothing poem (: I have one question though, it's listed as free verse but I think this is traditional fixed forms? (I'm very new to poetry so excuse me if I make a giant moron out of myself) And the second stanza doesn't rhyme as the other verses do. So would that make it free verse and the rest fixed forms?
(Again, I'm so sorry if I spammed your lovely comments with my idiocy) :lmao:
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! (:

Haha, no, it's no problem at all.
Yea, the reason i chose free verse was the non-rhyming part of the poem since concrete rhymes till from the beginning till the end! ^^
Reply
:iconholdthenoise:
HoldTheNoise Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ahhh, okay. Thank you~!! In any case, it's a beautiful poem (:
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconcrematedman:
CrematedMan Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Student Writer
I love lyrical little poems like these, cliched messages expressed really nicely. Simplicity works here, though, a easy rhyming scheme. So keep experimenting!
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much! :aww:
I will! :)
Reply
:iconbrahis:
brahis Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
perfect :)
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconbrahis:
brahis Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:)
Reply
:iconmiyu713:
miyu713 Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i read it and was like 'wow this is GOOD' then i saw your username and was like its Ashiiii! <3 :glomp:
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
awwww! Thank you, Meli. :tighthug: :icongwompplz:
Reply
:iconmiyu713:
miyu713 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
youre very welcome :D
Reply
:iconcoldblackraven:
ColdBlackRaven Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
same thing happened with me XD
Reply
:iconlettherebeapples:
LetThereBeApples Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:clap:
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconlettherebeapples:
LetThereBeApples Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Of course ^^
Reply
:iconambercynthia:
AmberCynthia Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012
This is beautiful. I love it! :heart: :)
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconambercynthia:
AmberCynthia Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012
Your welcome! :heart:
Reply
:iconrebeccaah:
RebeccaAH Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Goodbye my love~~
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:?
Reply
:iconrebeccaah:
RebeccaAH Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Goodbye lullaby is a song xD I was just quoting the next lyrics~~ Sorry xD
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh! Sorry! My bad! ^^;
Reply
:iconiliveasidream:
iliveasidream Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012
You should rewrite this poem without rhymes as an experiment, because it seems like some of the lines are written just so they can end with rhyming words. You should describe the subject matter in more detail, because what I see is a series of generalized, vague phrases about love without a context that can be related to. Consequently, some of these vague phrases can be repetitive.
Example:

"For I want to relive that moment once again,
When you and I first met each other"

"And our moments spent together,
I'd do anything to retrace."
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Honestly speaking, this was an experiment! ^^;
I usually don't rhyme but thank you! :)

You're right :)
Reply
:iconpandasaurluv:
Pandasaurluv Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012
this is well... beautiful ^.^
Reply
:iconslipcast-chrysalism:
slipcast-chrysalism Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww! Thank you! :glomp:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconslipcast-chrysalism: More from slipcast-chrysalism


Featured in Collections

must read later by fayfay13

poems I - sorrow, melancholy, and the self by shehrozeameen

Words by isahrishs


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
July 30, 2012
File Size
874 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,708
Favourites
133 (who?)
Comments
93
×